I am very good at losing weight. I have lost probably over two hundred pounds in my lifetime. Perhaps even more.
So I should be incredibly skinny right? Practically see-through?
And yet I am near my highest weight ever. Having put on most of the 5% I was so motivated to lose over the last couple months.
Losing weight is a long process. It’s one that has to happen slowly as habits are formed and the body and mind work together to find the healthier self. To develop a new fitter being.
My mind and body don’t like each other. They are like the Hollywood couple that everyone thinks should be together, who make and sell movies together, but self-destruct when the cameras aren’t around. Sure they get along in the short term, but only so they can say their marriage lasted longer than Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries.
I self-sabotage. No matter if it’s Weight Watcher points, calories, food lists, prepped meals, meal-blogging etc… I can last for a short while and have amazing results. But then something inside of me clicks off. I make poor food choices, stop meal planning, go for the easy, tasty caloriebombs, I go out with friends and don’t choose the healthier option. I intentionally, whether I know it is intentional, pack those pounds right back on.
I can blame my job. Most of my friends console my weight gain by proclaiming “I don’t know how you do it… If I did your job I would weigh so much more than you do!” Thanks? But some of my best losses come from those months where I don’t come up for air. It’s like having a weekend off from work is also a weekend to eat and drink whatever is in front of me.
So I can’t blame my job.
In reality, I don’t know why I give up. It’s not an all or nothing world. And it isn’t like I tell myself that if I screw up for one meal, I have screwed up the week. I don’t say “fuck it” and eat crap and I even attempt to balance the crap with the good.
Maybe my metabolism is shot to hell. Maybe one bad meal is all it takes to pack on the weight again?
That’s obviously not true. Even if my metabolism was slower than a teenager getting ready for school in the morning, one meal is not going to reverse weeks of hard work. I may not be a doctor, but I know enough to know that isn’t how it works.
I don’t have an excuse. I am just bad at following through when it comes to me. I am a great advocate for my students, my friends, and my family. But when it comes to advocating for myself to myself on what I truly need and not just what feels good at the moment, I fail.
It’s easier to reward myself than to punish. It’s easier to take the route of tasty instead of the route of steamed veggies. It’s easier to socialize or chillax on the couch, rather than get up and stay in motion. It is easier to stay fat and kill myself one calorie-bomb at a time than to recognize that I deserve better and work to give myself what I deserve.
My birthday is just a couple of weeks away. Another year has passed where I pledged to take care of myself and another year has passed where I strived, succeeded, and then thrown that hard work away.
I don’t have a solution to stop the self-sabotage. But maybe finally I have awareness.