Traveling through life with a timer and sneakers

The difference a year makes. One year later. HMR Diet Review.

Last Fall, I wandered into a 6am gym class with motivation to get fit. To lose weight.

I left less than 20 minutes into the class in tears. I couldn’t keep up. I felt like I was dying. I was embarrassed and I swore I would never go back.

Before anyone blames the teacher, it wasn’t him. He was awesome. It was me. I was ashamed at how heavy and how out of shape I had let myself become.

I did this to myself.

No one made me fat. Yes, life happened. Shitty things have happened in my life. Things that motivated me to stuff my face full of fatty foods. But no one sat there force feeding me except me. Wonderful things also have happened in my life. Things I had celebrated by, you guessed it, stuffing rich fatty foods in my mouth. And I had all the reasons in the book why I couldn’t work out. Hello I teach six classes a day, coach after school, and work at tournaments at least half the weekends during the calendar year (many of which require travel). I obviously had no time… except the time I was sitting on a couch stuffing my face or at a bar drinking and (you guessed again) stuffing my face.

So I was ashamed. And guess what I did?

Bought myself a high calorie beverage from Starbucks and drove myself through the McDonald’s drive-thru for TWO sausage McMuffins (with cheese!) and TWO hash browns. And a full sugar soda. You know, to wash the candy coffee drink down.

Here’s the deal. I know someone reading this is judging me. And that’s fine. I am putting myself out there and expect to be judged. It’s the Internet for heaven’s sake.

I know there are people who are out there who think that obviously if we just stop eating like what I described, we would all be thin. But for those who know me, or who have struggled with their weight, once you start packing on pounds, even if you switch to healthier choices, it is still incredibly difficult to shave off enough calories to start the scale moving down. I didn’t eat every meal at McDonald’s. In fact, I ate a relatively balanced diet most days out of the week. But between the amount of healthy food (portion control) combined with the comfort food combined with a lack of activity, my scale just kept climbing.

I was ashamed when I left that fitness class. And I never went back.

Until today.

November 13, 2013 — I left work and took myself out for sushi. It would be my last meal where I would stuff my face freely and not worry about the consequences. I enjoyed and savored all the foods I knew I would be leaving behind. I was bloated and uncomfortable when I left the restaurant and I drove across the street to the HMR health class.

It was the first day of the rest of my life.

Nine months into HMR, I transitioned from Decision Free to Healthy Solutions. And six weeks after that I began the transition to Phase Two. I have spent the last six weeks battling life in the real world. And I won’t lie and say it’s been easy. It has been two of the hardest months I have had in a long time.

Losing weight in HMR, if you stick with the plan and don’t give yourself excuses to cheat, is incredibly easy. You are isolating yourself from the real world of choice. It’s safe. It’s easy. And throughout the process, the classes prepare you for life in the real world.

Some people have made judgey comments about HMR because they feel as though they are “better than that” and people should be able to lose weight on “real foods” and you “don’t learn how to manage life” and “the weight will just come back on.”

Here’s my take on those who judge.

Fuck you.

Wow. I have been wanting to say that for years. Because I have struggled with my weight since I was a teenager. And I listened to those judgey people for almost that long. And every time I attempted to “just eat healthier” and failed, I would spiral further and the scale would climb higher.

Maybe preparing all of your own food from scratch and choosing healthy options on every menu works for you. That’s awesome! I am not judging your lifestyle so please stop judging those who make the choice to seek outside help in getting weight off and learning to manage that weight.

But I live in the real world of balancing an 80 hour a week job. And I don’t have the luxury of just “finding a new job” or “taking some time for myself.” I have to work. I actually LOVE my work. I am changing lives. I LOVE being a teacher and a debate coach. And that’s not going to change.

So let’s stop the judging and the diet shaming. Because I want to tell you something.

The HMR Diet works.

I got the pounds off quickly. I learned a lot about myself and the real world in the process.

And although I alluded earlier in this post that the last six weeks have been a struggle, it’s not because of HMR. It’s because the real world is full of choices and I am battling between the person I was and the person I have become.

I am healthier. I am stronger. But there is still a part of me that wants to override the healthy choice machine and pick the worst item on the menu. So every meal is an internal struggle. But in reality, it has always been that way. Now the healthier side is winning more of those battles and the unhealthy side is protesting.

I will continue to attend the HMR Phase Two classes for at least 17 more months. They hold me accountable. They offer me support. And they continue to teach me valuable lessons about myself and about the world around me. Last night I tried to talk myself out of attending this “Total Athletic Conditioning” class. I needed sleep. I have been incredibly run down as I have not had a day off without teaching, coaching, or traveling with students since the first weekend of October. But then I remembered how I have empowered myself. How amazing I feel after getting in a workout. And how I wanted to celebrate life and not make excuses.

So I woke up and went to this 6am class described as combining “athletic sports drills, weight training and other techniques that are specifically designed to improve your speed, agility, quickness, balance and muscle definition. Start with a cardio warmup – progress into active stretching – move into strength and endurance – then some speed and agility  – balance and core and added PLYO…  You will enhance your cardio anaerobic threshold.”

Scary description right?

I was scared.

I remember running out of that studio. I remember hiding in the bathroom. I remember crying.

I looked in the mirror and began to follow the instructor’s direction. I felt strong. I felt empowered. I felt alive.

After the class, one of the regulars (who had been there when I ran out last year) approached me and complimented me on how well I kept up for my first class.

I mentioned I had tried it once before over a year ago. But I didn’t mention running out. I didn’t mention the tears. I just ended by saying I planned on coming back.

And I do.

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5 responses

  1. Jordan

    Great post Carol!

    November 13, 2014 at 5:15 pm

  2. Zara

    So proud of you Carol! I am happy that you are happy. And I agree – eff all the judgy people. Xoxo
    PS that class sounds an awful lot like a Crossfit Class. Just sayin’…😝

    November 13, 2014 at 5:39 pm

  3. Cruz, Gregory T.

    This is absolutely fantastic!! I am glad you said it for all of us 🙂

    Greg Cruz
    Behavioral Health Educator
    HMR Weight Management Program
    Palo Alto Medical Foundation
    (650) 404-8256
    http://www.ahealthyweight.org

    “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”
    – Winston Churchill

    November 13, 2014 at 6:03 pm

  4. Monique

    This post made me very emotional. I live this very struggle. I am so proud of you. You did it. Proving we can all do it. And its hard as fuck until you just do it.
    Love you Carol and congrats!

    November 19, 2014 at 9:56 pm

  5. Pingback: How do you summarize a year? 2014 in review. | The Healthy Academic

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