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Decision Free

My brain is absolutely overwhelmed right now. I am “Decision Free” but full of decisions.

Confused?

Me too.

After a number of diet attempts. All of the restarts. The downs and ups on the scale (mostly ups). I started to do some research. I reflected. A lot. I knew a change was needed and I knew it needed to happen now.

Doctor visits. Medical tests. All confirmed what I already knew. If I didn’t start losing weight, I was heading down a very dark path.

I like food a lot. I took a hiatus from creating and blogging food recipes on Uncovering Food because I had moved to a more urban neighborhood where every kind of food I desired was right outside of my front door. And explore my neighborhood I did… bite by bite.

I realized I had lost my focus on health, and continued to fight myself. And when we moved to a new apartment and a number of other drastic changes happened around me, I woke up.

After attempting to be the Healthy Academic for so long on my own, I admitted I needed help. Being healthy isn’t just about eating vegetables or running a 5k. Being healthy means caring for your body and ensuring that excess weight doesn’t shut parts of it down. However I realized that with so much going on in my life, my present and my history, I was going to have difficulty staying with another diet-by-my-own-design.

After screenings, meetings, and my first night of class, I am officially an active participant in the HMR Decision Free program through my doctor’s medical network. I plan on writing more about it as we progress but for now I am still overwhelmed with all of my materials and all of the parts of this medically-supervised program…

It took me two weeks to publish this initial post about HMR because I felt like I have given up so much of my identity. I feel like I have to defend my choices to myself, let alone to others. However two weeks into this program, on Thanksgiving Day, I am thankful to myself that I didn’t let pride get in my own way. That I am doing this for my wellness.

Posted by  |  November 29, 2013 | Categories: HMR Diet | Tags: , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Am I Powerless?

Everything I have read and heard about addiction says that the first step is admitting you are powerless to your substance. Whether it be food or an illicit substance, you are supposed to admit and accept that you have no control and these substances control you.

I disagree.

You see, I am a food addict by every definition I can find. I love the way food makes me feel. It is a comforting blanket on a stressful day. It is a celebration when something exciting has happened. It keeps me from being bored and it entertains me when I cook. When I feel lost or when I feel found, food is there with me.

I don’t think I had this addiction my whole life. I don’t remember food always being the comfort it is today. I have spent a long time reflecting and trying to figure out where my relationship with food changed. It’s a worthy exercise if you are as overweight as I have become.

It started in high school. Between the stress of overcommitting myself to a bajillion activities to the insecurity of transferring midyear, I found comfort in comfort foods. There was nothing more comforting that a bowl of potatoes, microwaved until baked, and smothered in butter and cheese. When I felt lonely, cheese was there.

When I entered college, the comfort I had found became something I needed. I did not always have the best choice in significant others and the first guy I dated in college was a doozy. Without reliving the pain, let’s say that I quickly turned to food and the need for comfort lasted over two years. Looking back, I know all of the mistakes I made, but at the time the pain of the day was minimized by a two cheeseburger extra value meal.

After this extended period of bingeing to comfort, my relationship with food was secure and my weight battle was full-force. This is reflected when I lost a significant amount of weight early in my career, only to pile it back on in what seemed like the minutes after a family member was critically injured in a car accident.

I acknowledge now that I have a sordid relationship with food. I have an addiction to the way food makes me feel. And that addiction has significant power.

But I am not powerless.

Admitting you are powerless is a cop-out. It means you can never interact with the substance again because you cannot control it. And that would mean that I could never eat again… something that is actually impossible to do and survive.

However, I can reduce the number of decisions I have to make about food. Stepping away from our complex relationship in order to exam it and correct it. We will always have a relationship. However maybe our relationship could improve.

I am not powerless. Recognizing and acknowledging I am addicted to food and doing something to change this addition is the opposite of powerless. It takes strength and motivation. It takes desire and action.

I am not powerless. I am empowered.

Posted by  |  November 9, 2013 | Categories: Food, Health, Life, Musings | Tags: , , , , | 1 Comment

Renewal through Relaxation

Unimaginable.

Today I have accomplished so much in my home. It is really unimaginable.

And yet it didn’t take my whole day away from me? I still have time to rest and relax?

My normal routine when I have a free evening is to catch up on work that was placed on a back burner, and then zone in front of the computer or telly. Not ever really being super productive because I am only half -present, and almost always regretting that I didn’t spend more time getting more accomplished around the house.

I can’t do everything. This year I placed more emphasis on taking care of me. Making sure I get rest and don’t worry about the small things around the house.

Normally when I have a few days off, I go on a whirlwind tour, getting in as much social time and personal travel as possible. Until I wear myself out.

However, after taking a real Spring Break. Sleeping without an alarm, relaxing, getting to spend quality time with family, and having some enjoyable time out? I actual crave being productive around the house. It’s not a chore but actually fun to clean out my closet or to prep meals for the week ahead.

It turns out that resting over a break and breaking out of the norm can be the perfect refueling station.

With two months left in the academic year, there is another rush about to hit. Post-season tournaments are in full-swing, my seniors are graduating, and summer programming is about to ramp up. But I feel a renewed sense of being. And for that, I am thankful.

Posted by  |  April 7, 2013 | Categories: Health, Musings | Leave a comment

Just Show Up

Just show up.

I have read so many fitness “get slim in six easy moves” “lose 5 lbs in 3 days” “the secret food that will make you skinny” diet secret containing magazines that I should be invisible by now because I am oh so thin.

But wait. Apparently reading about getting thin, about shedding those unwanted pounds, is not the way to actually lose the weight.

Somewhere between the pages of those glossy fitness model pages, I lost my minutes.

I lost the time that I could find… to get thin.

And while inspired by the pages,

I lack the motivation to do the movement.

And time and time again I pledge that TOMORROW, I will go to the gym.

You see,

I am too tired.

I have too much work today.

The house is in shambles.

Someone might spoil that TV show that’s on tonight.

I just don’t want to go.

So many reasons to go home, curl up on the couch, and zone out…

Imagining the thin within.

Somewhere along the line, I lost my motivation. And my motivation is really good at playing

Hide

and

go

Seek

However… through all I have learned about myself. About how I function. And about how we work. I have one thing to say.

Just.Show.Up.

Pack that bag with the clothing you will need and go to the gym. Just go. Get dressed. Sit there. Drink a latte. You don’t have to exercise.

But if you are like me, you will find yourself on that elliptical, or in that aerobics class, or lifting weights… or on a bad day maybe you will just walk at the slowest speed possible on the treadmill.

You will find your movement. Your motivation.

I am a debate coach. I can convince myself to do just about anything. But something the only thing I can really do is show up.

Being present is motivation to move.

Movement is power.

Power gets you through the day.

And tomorrow?

Maybe you will do more than just show up.

Posted by  |  March 20, 2013 | Categories: Fitness, Life, Musings | Leave a comment

Self-Sabotage

Self-Sabotage

I am very good at losing weight. I have lost probably over two hundred pounds in my lifetime. Perhaps even more.

So I should be incredibly skinny right? Practically see-through?

And yet I am near my highest weight ever. Having put on most of the 5% I was so motivated to lose over the last couple months.

Losing weight is a long process. It’s one that has to happen slowly as habits are formed and the body and mind work together to find the healthier self. To develop a new fitter being.

My mind and body don’t like each other. They are like the Hollywood couple that everyone thinks should be together, who make and sell movies together, but self-destruct when the cameras aren’t around. Sure they get along in the short term, but only so they can say their marriage lasted longer than Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries.

I self-sabotage. No matter if it’s Weight Watcher points, calories, food lists, prepped meals, meal-blogging etc… I can last for a short while and have amazing results. But then something inside of me clicks off. I make poor food choices, stop meal planning, go for the easy, tasty caloriebombs, I go out with friends and don’t choose the healthier option. I intentionally, whether I know it is intentional, pack those pounds right back on.

I can blame my job. Most of my friends console my weight gain by proclaiming “I don’t know how you do it… If I did your job I would weigh so much more than you do!” Thanks? But some of my best losses come from those months where I don’t come up for air. It’s like having a weekend off from work is also a weekend to eat and drink whatever is in front of me.

So I can’t blame my job.

In reality, I don’t know why I give up. It’s not an all or nothing world. And it isn’t like I tell myself that if I screw up for one meal, I have screwed up the week. I don’t say “fuck it” and eat crap and I even attempt to balance the crap with the good.

Maybe my metabolism is shot to hell. Maybe one bad meal is all it takes to pack on the weight again?

That’s obviously not true. Even if my metabolism was slower than a teenager getting ready for school in the morning, one meal is not going to reverse weeks of hard work. I may not be a doctor, but I know enough to know that isn’t how it works.

I don’t have an excuse. I am just bad at following through when it comes to me. I am a great advocate for my students, my friends, and my family. But when it comes to advocating for myself to myself on what I truly need and not just what feels good at the moment, I fail.

It’s easier to reward myself than to punish. It’s easier to take the route of tasty instead of the route of steamed veggies. It’s easier to socialize or chillax on the couch, rather than get up and stay in motion. It is easier to stay fat and kill myself one calorie-bomb at a time than to recognize that I deserve better and work to give myself what I deserve.

My birthday is just a couple of weeks away. Another year has passed where I pledged to take care of myself and another year has passed where I strived, succeeded, and then thrown that hard work away.

I don’t have a solution to stop the self-sabotage. But maybe finally I have awareness.

Posted by  |  February 27, 2013 | Categories: Fitness, Food, Health, Life, Musings | Leave a comment

Spin – conquering the final gym fear.

In my quest to lose weight and get healthy, I have spent hours at the gym. Mind you, the consistency these days is lacking, but long story short, I know my way around cardio and weight rooms. I have stepped, kicked, stretched through group exercise classes. I have free-weighted, circuit-trained, trekked, ellipticaled, mastered the stairs, and spent more hours with physical trainers than I can count. But there is one area of the gym I have always feared.

Spin class.

No matter the city, the gym, the time of day… spin class has always scared the beejezus out of me. There is something about the way that everyone knows what they are doing with these machines that have knobs and levers. They are all so… focused. Full of intent.

Recently, I needed something new. I had rejoined a gym and needed to find something to throw my energy into. I needed accountability. But most of all, I needed a class that worked with my schedule.

So a friend and I both committed to a spin class.

Walking in the very first morning was incredibly scary. I wanted to back out. But I had made a commitment with a friend (and it would only be after the class that I would find out she also wanted to back out).

With the help of an overly perky instructor, I adjusted the bike. I then mounted the bike. And 45 minutes later, I was more than ready to get off that bike.

However, I had discovered something about myself. I had discovered that spin was no scarier than any other part of the gym. That when I faced my fear, I could conquer something new. And, I never thought I would say this, enjoy it.

Spin class offers something that no other part of the gym offers. It allows you to work at your own resistance, your own pace, without anyone knowing what level you are working on. For those of you who self-compare, like I tend to do, you can’t! All you can do it focus on yourself. And that forced focus is what I needed to ensure I was keeping proper form, and not just competing against my peers. The competitor within now could only focus on myself.

I have been going to spin classes on a regular basis now for several months. I am still not a spin guru. I don’t have the magical clip spin shoes. I don’t go on bike rides in the mountains on weekend. But I can spin. The fear has been conquered.

 

Posted by  |  November 25, 2012 | Categories: Fitness | Leave a comment

The truth of the matter is.

A reflection post.

Today I stood outside in the sun for over four hours. I stood and cheered as thousands of runners raced past. It was an emotional morning. I cheered for runners at the beginning of the journey, near the middle, and near the end. I got to see runners pumped, fledgling, and defeated. I saw them triumph, I saw their pain.

In 2009, I barely made it to the finish line of this race. I had fallen down a flight of stairs about six weeks prior to the race, not that I was in peak physical performance before then, and hurt myself. This was not my first injury, and it would not be my last. However, there was something inside of me that kept me going.

When I reached mile 8 of this race, I was near tears. By mile 9, I was looking for a medic. I sat, I iced my back, and then with ice wrapped to my back with plastic wrap, I walked. The last three miles were some of the slowest and most painful in my life. I cried. I felt alone. And I was so determined to finish what I had started.

Before I got to the finish line, I saw a woman behind me. She waved me down. She said she had been following me for the last couple of miles. That she had wanted to give up but she saw me and she knew if I could do it, so could she. We both attempted to run the last few feet to the finish. We wanted to finish strong.

December of 2009, I completed my second half. I felt strong. I was faster. I wasn’t able to run the full race but even walking, I was proud. I shaved 30 minutes off my time. I knew I was only going to get stronger.

One week later I injured my leg. I spent 2010 trying to recover from this non-running injury (if you are reading this, get your vitamin D levels checked, just trust me). I was planning on running a marathon in October where there was also to be a wedding. Then I planned on walking that marathon. And finally, on doctor’s orders, I was sidelined and cheered. I was happy to be there, but frustrated because I felt like there was more I could have done.

2011 brought on a year of discovery. Injuries from the past were beginning to heal but I had managed to put on so much weight from lack of activity and fear of injury, that becoming active again was difficult. I had lost motivation. I wasn’t eating right, I wasn’t trying to become healthier. I signed up for a half-marathon, with the hope that this would motivate me to get active. To try to recapture what I had felt two years earlier. But internal medical struggles, and my own nonchalance about my health kept me from training properly and fueling per my medical needs.

I started that race strong. But before I had even hit the 5k mark, my stomach was screaming. And as the race went on, I searched for a way to catch a ride back. By the 6th mile, I was crouched on the sidelines, trying not to give up.

After hobbling two more miles, and taking a number of breaks, my stomach finally felt better, but now old structural injuries were flaring because I had been compensating for the digestive pain. However, at this point I wasn’t going to quit. I hobbled through freezing rain and tears to the finish line. I finished and there wasn’t anyone left there to cheer for me. But I finished.

So today, I stayed. I stayed until the vehicle escorting the last three participants passed me. I cheered and I screamed. I knew the frustration in the eyes of those who had started strong and finished. I celebrated the triumph of their completion. I hope they will be able to celebrate it as well.

I am just two months away from that same race that was both my triumph and my defeat. I signed up again because I knew I needed to prove to myself that I can finish strong. But I haven’t done a single training run. I have been taking cardio classes to build my stamina, but my feet and back cry from all of the weight I have put on. I am constantly struggling between motivation and defeat.

It’s hard to get back on the horse. It’s incredibly hard to know what it was like to fly, and feel like you can barely crawl. This year, I may not participate in the race. If I am not ready, I will not go. But today motivated me to try. Because if the people crossing the finish line can do it, then dammit, so can I.

Posted by  |  October 7, 2012 | Categories: Health, Musings | Tags: , , | Leave a comment

One week in, three weeks to go. A reflection.

It has been one week since I committed to the Project GET HEALTHY challenge. And while I have attempted to follow all three of my daily tasks, I am figuring out that I still need to find a happy balance between socializing and getting healthy.

I also realize that taking up a challenge when my life has little structure makes it difficult to maintain from day to day. Without a scheduled wake-up or bedtime, I am free floating (and enjoying it). However, with the start of the school year, this is guaranteed to change.

So I have attempted to stay active and eat more vegetables. I tracked everything until social events overtook my weekend. And then the foods I ate were no longer ones my body agreed with and my activity stalled as I have been laid up with awful stomach pains.

Life is a learning process and I will just keep taking notes through the journey.

Posted by  |  August 21, 2012 | Categories: Project GET HEALTHY | Leave a comment

Project GET HEALTHY

It’s been a long year. A crazy year. A FABULOUS year. 

A lot of amazing things have happened.

However in the process of this amazingness, something has slipped out of sight. And out of sight is out of mind as the old adage goes.

My health hasn’t been the focus for months. I haven’t cooked for myself in ages nor have I logged what I have eaten or made a concerted effort to be active.

However, as life changes and time opens up, it as though someone was reading my mind when a challenge appeared over my Facebook feed. Thanks to Eating Rules for sharing the link to Social Butterfly Guy‘s 28-day Project GET HEALTHY.

Starting tomorrow for the next 28 days, I have three goals:

1. Track my meals daily

2. Get 20 minutes of activity in 6 days a week.

3. Eat more vegetables

I’ll be tracking using MyFitnessPal but will also stop by here, my ignored blog, to share thoughts as I can. With the start of school fast approaching, it will definitely be a challenge. But based on everything that has happened in 2012 thus far, I am ready for it!

Posted by  |  August 13, 2012 | Categories: Fitness, Food, Health, Project GET HEALTHY | 1 Comment

Production versus Consumption. Chicken? or Egg?

As per usual, this isn’t meant to be a topic analysis. Just some quick thoughts when I read the 2012 NCFL topic this morning.

Resolved:  Increasing US energy production should take precedence over protecting the environment.

First, I think that the question has to be answered as to what type of energy production that needs to be increased. It would be hard to argue that the US isn’t in need of increased energy with an increase in population. Especially since the topic doesn’t say you get to increase conservation efforts if you vote Con.

Obviously the debate wants to be focused on drilling and fracking for oil and building up nuclear plants, both controversial but known sources of energy. Perhaps coal will also be debated. However, I think that a good Pro team would not limit themselves to these sources. In fact, I would keep all energy sources in mind when framing the case and instead shift the burden to the neg to show that in general, over-protection of the environment is stopping energy development. I don’t know if this is true outside of these primary energy production means.

In a lot of ways, I think this is going to be a very circular debate. Almost a “chicken or egg” line of argument. Those on the Pro will say we can’t have productivity and economic growth/stability without internal energy production while those on the Con will contend we need to focus on creating energy efficient products and lifestyles in order to have economic growth/stability. My head hurts just thinking about it.

Here are some interesting articles that may, or may not, be useful:

Posted by  |  April 17, 2012 | Categories: Debate, Musings, PF Topics, Research Links | Leave a comment