A review of the HMR Diet: Six Months Decision Free and #HMRStrong
If someone had told me seven months ago that I would be eating prepackaged entress and shake packets as my sole form of food, I would have laughed you out of the room.
If someone had told me seven months ago that I would be running a sub-10:00 mile and swimming a mile, I would have looked at you like it was a pipe dream. “Someday… maybe….” But my heart would ache because I would doubt that I had the ability to ever pull it out.
If someone had told me seven months ago that I would be down almost 90 lbs after six months, I would have asked what limbs would I be losing in the process.
I was recently asked why I decided to take a drastic move in my life starting HMR and all of my physical training. Why now? What prompted this move?
If you have known me for years then you will know that I have had a series of struggles with my health. I gained a significant amount of weight right out of high school. I continued to put on weight when I started teaching and commuting 90+ minutes each way to work. I then lost some of that weight in 2006 counting points but some significant events in my life brought back the stress eating and the pounds. I attempted to learn to run in 2009 and lost a bit of weight but improper training and an injury uncovered bigger health issues. All the while I half-assed various diets in an attempt to both control my health but also my weight. Finally, I gave up on all of it and just “enjoyed life” while the pounds piled on.
This past summer we took a cross-country road trip. And roadside hikes that should have been easy were extremely difficult. We went to Hawaii and I felt limited in everything I attempted. I was constantly out of air. I got tired easily. I didn’t find physical activity pleasurable because I wasn’t fit and was carrying so much extra weight. Multiple people in my life passed away in the months leading up to my starting HMR and many were due to weight related health issues. I had trouble sleeping at night worrying that every ache and pain was a sign I was next.
A friend had recently gotten weight loss surgery and I was seriously contemplating it after hearing about her experience. However I knew I wouldn’t be able to do it until the summer at the earliest and we were just a couple months into the school year. So I went to my medical group’s Web site and looked at what programs they were offering to help. I saw orientations for HMR and thought “well it couldn’t hurt to check it out?”
At the time I was opposed to processed food. I wanted to lose weight on my own. I wanted to do it naturally. I was judgey-mcjudergerson about everything I thought HMR stood for. I thought “well even if I lose any weight I won’t learn how to keep it off and it will come right back on.” I had tried Jenny Craig and Nutrisystem so I was *obviously* an expert about meal replacement diets… Ha!
However I forced myself to enter the medical offices with an open mind. After all, I had kind of sucked at doing it on my own. Despite years of weight loss meetings and web sites and books and talks, I was at my heaviest weight ever. I ate more veggies than most people I knew but along with that ate and drank super high calorie foods and considered 20 minutes on the elliptical as an intense workout. In other words, I knew I needed help and I wasn’t afraid to ask for it.
At that orientation meeting, I began to understand that the HMR Diet would be a major overhaul to my social lifestyle. No alcohol? No outside foods? A WEEKLY meeting? I work over 80 hours some weeks… where was I going to fit all of this in?
But something inside of me said that I could do it. That my life depended on it.
So I drove straight from the orientation to speak to my doctor. She said I should try it. She had been an HMR doctor at a previous practice. She thought it would be harder than surgery but it would be good to do it, even as a precursor to surgery, to learn healthier habits. And so I went in for all the lab work.
As a high school student, I didn’t follow good study habits. However as a high school teacher I have learned a few things about setting myself up for success. And so I spent the couple of weeks between orientation and the first night of class preparing my environment, talking to those closest to me, and mentally preparing myself. Confession: I also had a number of “last meals” where I ate whatever I wanted and committed those tastes and textures to memory. I will write more about preparing to begin in a future post but the process itself really set me up for a successful journey.
I have social anxiety. I get nervous in new situations and meeting new people. But luckily I have an amazing health educator, a fabulous clinic full of super positive staff, and a class that had some really nice and positive people in it to provide a safe and supportive environment. The clinic is my safe haven. The first couple months I would show up an hour early sometimes to protect myself from wandering off to a drive-thru because I didn’t know how to spend that hour. I cannot stress how that support helped me get through some tough time. When I felt judgement from others for taking on this diet, I knew I had a judgement free zone.
Judgement is a big thing on this diet. Because you isolate yourself from outside foods, people feel like they can make all sorts of snide and snarky comments to you. I am not open about being on this diet, both because I don’t want my diet to define me, but also because I want to spare myself the nasty comments. If someone asks and seems interested, I will tell them about it. But unlike previous diets where I would declare to everyone what I was doing, I started this one quietly and have remained relatively quiet about it. However through my health classes I have learned how to empower myself and to deal with some of the comments. I know I will have more to face along the journey, but I am building a toolbox of responses.
Cost is the other big hang up for many people on this diet. Yes, the medical tests and supervision is pricey and yes the shakes and entrees cost money. The gym, training sessions, new clothes all cost money as well. You know what else costs money? All the bad food I was eating. All the medical bills I paid. All the unproductive hours where I couldn’t focus and didn’t get things done that needed to be finished. And losing my life day by day to my obesity was the most expensive part of my life. So yes I have depleted some of my savings but I also know I am saving money in the long run. I also know that the improved quality of life is worth the investment. And honestly, I just cut out a bunch of crap I had been wasting it on. Even at happy hour prices those beer and french fry orders add up!
Over the last six months I have been on the road more than half the weekends. I have attended galas and other social events. I have run multiple races. Attended family events. Tried a variety of fitness opportunities. Struggled through exhaustion and stress. Celebrated life and mourned loss. In other words, I have lived. And I have lived “in the box.”
I will be honest. It has not always been easy. And it is getting harder. Because as I see results and feel stronger, I question why I am still in the box. I miss outside food. I feel like I can take a cheat meal… But I won’t. As long as I stay in the box, I am working towards my final goal. This time is truly different and I don’t want to give myself an excuse to halt the journey before I finish it.
I am on a lifelong journey of living the best possible life I can. I believe in myself and my inner strength. And while life happens, I am building skills to pursue health and happiness in spite of life obstacles. It takes dedication and a sense of purpose. But it also takes faith in whatever diet program you choose to pursue. The HMR Diet does work, if you put in the work. I am #HMRStrong.
Why Marriott’s response to racism in their hotels matters
Stepping away from weight-loss for a post and addressing an issue pertinent to some of the other themes of my blog. Something that has been bothering me for awhile but was magnified in recent months by an issue that occurred at the Walnut Creek Marriott in February as well as the response from the parties involved.
Before I begin, I should probably disclose that I am a white woman in my early to mid-thirties. My husband is black. Honestly, being part of a mixed race couple was never something that seemed out of place to me growing up in California. Maybe I am just lucky to have awesome parents who took every opportunity they could to educate me about racial, gender, and cultural sensitivity. Obviously it’s also because I am not a minority, but I never realized just how much microracism existed in our society until I started dating my husband.
When I first learned about the female Marriott employee ignoring the black high school students and educators on the elevator, I was frustrated and upset. I was angry that someone had made my husband and colleagues as well as high school students feel like they were second class citizens. That they were not worthy of a friendly smile and greeting by a member of the hospitality industry.
Here’s how this situation SHOULD have worked out. The woman, when faced with what happened and how it made people feel, should have acknowledged that what she did excluded people of a racial minority. She should have verbally acknowledged that her actions were hurtful. She should have sincerely apologized for the action and the emotional response it caused. What I have learned over nine years is that micro racism isn’t always intentional and even someone with good intentions most of the time can still be a perpetrator of micro racism. I am willing to admit that I too have at some point committed an act of micro aggression and may not have even realized it at the time. This “more subtle, casual form of bigotry” occurs daily and is sometimes so subverted that neither party is aware until the damage is done.
The problem is that the employee didn’t seem to think what she did was wrong. Based on the reactions from management, neither did they. My husband was stopped in an open lobby when it was convenient for management but then not allowed to have the conversation where he had been stopped. He felt confronted publicly but then could not react publicly per management. And in other moves, rather than attempting to arrange an actual meeting about the situation with the black coaches and students, management went to the white organizers to arrange a meeting, bringing another act of micro aggression into the mix.
The problem is escalated and the entire process drawn out, each step another reminder of the otherization committed by this employee. However at every step, no one at Marriott appears to acknowledge how the actions of the employee left their guests feeling.
The denial of racism by Marriott is racism. It is the refusal to recognize the feelings of customers. It is ignorance of how microracism is just as racist and perhaps more damaging than overt racism. And it leaves a sour taste in the mouths of all who learn that the customer isn’t always right if the customer has dark skin.
Because education is important to me, let’s examine some responses that Marriott could have made in addition to the individual employee. First is by going back to corporate roots. According to a letter sent to my husband, Marriott has a long history in dealing with diversity. It sounds like this individual employee (and then the management) should get some retraining. If the member of management had apologized, offered his contact information for follow up, and then acknowledged the stresses and emotional otherization along with arranging for follow-up training for the employee, I am certain in speaking to victims that this would have served as a more appropriate reaction.
When management failed, corporate could have taken similar steps to examine the incident and rather than dismiss the customers, examine the training being given at a corporate level regarding microracism. If employees and management don’t think it’s a “big deal” then there is something more that is wrong that just the initial incident. And then let the customers know that you are following up on the review of the training.
A hospitality company that fails to recognize the emotional harm inflicted by an employee is one that does not care about it’s guests. That’s not the message Marriott probably wants to send to it’s customer base. But when micro aggression goes unchecked and otherization of guests occurs by all levels of the organization, it is unfortunately the one we are left with.
Compliments and the Weight Loss Journey
Weight loss is an incredibly difficult journey. Limiting food. Working out. Avoiding temptations in the Gap. It is a daily struggle regardless of what diet you are on. And at some point, you have that moment where you wonder if it is even worth continuing the struggle.
Enter the compliment.
Starting about 6 weeks into the start of the HMR program, I began to have people notice that I looked different. And at three months, people didn’t hold back their observations.
“Wow you look great!”
“What have you been doing?”
“You are disappearing!”
“Be honest, how many pounds have you lost?”
I have been wanting to write this post for awhile and the topic just keeps growing. I could probably write a book at this point. But I wanted to limit it today to look at some of the positive and negative effects of receiving compliments along the weight loss journey.
There are negatives?
Quite a bit actually. I have been struggling for months holding back responses to some of the compliments I have received both because I struggle to accept praise but also because some are just thoughtless. For example, a coworker who you aren’t close to walks up and says “Wow! How much weight have you lost this week?” It catches you off-guard. It defines your interaction by asking for a number. It treats you not as a person worthy of talking to but rather a “let’s get to the point, you look better and I want to know how much better you look now by placing a number on it.”
Asking someone who has lost weight “how much” is asking them to quantify a struggle into something we are told shouldn’t be our driving force. Week after week I get on a scale and sometimes I get a big decrease numerically and some weeks it’s barely a blip. Asking me in a week where I worked out hours every day, followed the diet to the letter, and the scale doesn’t respond is absolutely discouraging. Because you stole my other accomplishments away from me. I felt like a rockstar, and now I *only* lost a pound.
Additionally, why am I now getting your attention? The number of “good for you” type compliments I have gotten have gotten to the point where I asked my husband outright “do they know how condescending they sound?” He explained that most people don’t know what to say, and many aren’t able to take on the challenge themselves. They think it’s complimentary but the compliments come out sounding backhanded like I am a good puppy who is following orders and it’s about damn time I took care of myself. Because all of those previous times I struggled and was less successful weren’t worthy of the acknowledgement but this time I deserve praise. “Good for you girl. Sit. Drink a shake.”
It’s hard for people to respond to big changes involving sensitive subjects like weight loss. I completely understand. And in many instances, compliments are big motivators! But don’t come up and pinch me and tell me how skinny I am getting (yup that’s happened) and stop trying to quantify my accomplishments. I will tell you my personal number if I feel like we are in a place where I can share.
This weekend was a tipping point for me with regards to compliments. I am at an event where I am seeing people who I haven’t seen for a couple of months or more. So I spent the week mentally preparing for reaction. I got my hair done as a reward for hitting 75 pounds (to be more specific, that’s 76 pounds lost since November 13), I brought some of my new clothes that I feel comfortable in, and I mentally talked myself through how to accept compliments, no matter what form, with grace.
This weekend is also a struggle because of the delicious foods and lack of time for physical activity. Tournaments are like that. Super intense. Lots of responsibility. Constantly on the go. And they keep you going by fueling with high calorie tempting goodness.
A positive of the compliments is that it keeps me motivated to stay on plan. In the past, when I started getting compliments, I would get complacent. I would slack on “the diet” because I was “looking good” so it didn’t matter anymore. However on HMR it’s different. Still on the Decision Free diet, I would have to completely derail and go out of “the box” to slack. And knowing how far I have come and how far I have to go, I don’t want to slack. So reframing the compliments as motivation to continue has helped me stay in the box and avoid temptation. As I learn to accept the positive motivation behind the compliments and ignore the pinching and quantification, I can channel the encouragement behind the comments and use that positive energy.
I am #HMRStrong and I can do this. I appreciate your compliments but I also know that success doesn’t rest on your feedback. It requires my internal motivation. But I accept your positive energy and I will continue to learn to reframe those who may mean well but may lack an understanding of my struggle.
“Thank you. I have been working hard. I am healthier.”
Losing *only* two pounds … A 19-week reflection on the HMR Diet
Last night was my 133rd day staying “in the box” on the HMR Decision Free diet.
On my first night of class, my health educator showed us a graph. It showed data that the longer a person stayed “in the box” (eating only HMR food), the higher the likelihood they would stick with the program and the average amount of weight lost. The data included everything from the probability of success if you “cheated” the first week all the way up to 19 weeks.
So I bought a small white board and decorated it with permanent marker after calculating how many days were in 19 weeks. I then used a white board marker to update the number of the board. And then I set that board where I would see it every time I entered the kitchen. I also kept some helpful tools within reach, as you can see in the photo.
The first few weeks, it was struggle each day to stay in the box. But knowing I would have to reset that number was motivation to keep going. And changing the board felt like a triumphant win!
Eventually, I stopped updating each day and would change it every couple of days. However on a difficult day, the visual was a good reminder of how far I have come and how I didn’t want to reset the board after so much work.
Today is my 134th day on the diet. I still plan on keeping the board alive, but I am in the process of setting new goals. Goals to keep me going.
Because I can’t rely on the scale for motivation.
When I get on the scale at the clinic, I try to imagine what the new number will be. In the beginning there were huge jumps most weeks. Some were two or three pounds but many were four to six. And I knew logically that it would slow down as I had less to lose and my body adjusted to a lower-calorie diet.
The last three weeks I have lost one pound, four pounds, and then two pounds. In the real world, losing seven pounds in three weeks is a big deal. And I know I would have been so happy on previous diets with that loss. Yet last night, with a two pound loss on the scale, I felt disappointment.
Practical me knows that this process is going to be an ultra-marathon. That it’s a lifestyle change. That it won’t happen over night. And that I have works for 19 weeks but I knew going in that it would be a much longer process. Finally, I know that I have gotten stronger and have had so many non-scale victories that I should dance with joy.
Today I begin the process of setting new long-term non-scale goals. From fitness goals I am currently working on, to food based goals I need to figure out. I am determined to succeed one day at a time.
100 Days on the HMR Diet
I keep wanting to write posts but as per usual, I can barely keep my head above water during the competition season. And I have been taking all my spare time and spending it earning PA (HMR Speak for exercise or Physical Activity calories).
However Friday, February 21, marked a special day. I have been on the HMR Decision-Free diet and “In The Box” for 100 days straight. I feel like being able to stick with anything for 100 days is gosh darn near impossible and worth a mini-celebration and reflection.
First, the question you want answered if you are anything like I was before this diet… How much weight have I lost?
When I weighed in on the first night, I was 280 pounds. My height is approximately 5’4″ which would be a BMI of 48.1, which according to the calculator on the Stanford Hospital site made me “morbidly obese.”
Fourteen weeks later (or 98 days), my weight at the clinic was 220 pounds. While my BMI is still an unhealthy 37.8, it dropped me down to the “obese” category and is a loss of 60 pounds (an average of just over 4 pounds a week).
So I lost weight. Which is ultimately expected when you don’t veer off a medically-supervised diet. But what else?
I feel so much better about myself. I feel like I can do anything I set out to do, including lose the rest of this weight. I have more energy and actually crave physical activity (really? did I just write that?).
After 100 days, the selection of 14 or so entrees, oatmeal, soup, and shakes may seem old. Yes, if I have to eat another cold five-bean casserole at a competition soon I may throw it at someone. However for the most part, I have been enjoying trying new seasonings and preparation methods as well as rediscovering some of my favorites from the first couple of weeks.
Also, and this is so foreign to me, life isn’t always about food. Lately I have been primarily focused on food as fuel to get me through the new activities I am discovering. I don’t revolve my life around what my next meal will be, I just eat when it’s the appropriate time before or after a workout or when I am hungry. And I am learning a ton about what size meal I actually need to stay full as opposed to what I used to pile and clean off my massive plates.
I still have a long journey ahead and I know there will be bumps along the way. However after 100 days, I feel like I am over the mental hurdle of “can I do this?” and have moved on to “what else can I achieve?” And that may be the best takeaway from these past 100 days.
60 Days on HMR
Wikimedia Commons Source: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Golden_Maki_Rainbow_Roll_sushi.jpg
It has been 60 days since I last ate sushi. Sushi was my go-to food. It was my friend. My comfort. And let’s face it… it was really really good!
I won’t lie. I miss it like crazy. So much that I bought nori to try to make my own out of HMR entrees. Well, until I found out nori wasn’t in the box. So now the nori sits and waits.
Every time I crave sushi, I think about why. Do I miss the texture? The flavors? The feelings that I associate with sushi? I swear if I were ever to fall out of “the box” it would probably be into a sushi boat.
The truth is I miss everything. But I know it will be there for me when I meet my goal. And while I feel deprived now, I know I am learning so much more about myself. I know that I eat for comfort as well as nourishment. I eat for flavor and texture and not just because I am hungry.
And while 60 days may seem like a long time, it will be a lot longer before sushi and I can sit down and enjoy each other’s company. Until I not only get to a healthier weight but also have learned to control the yearning for nigiri and maki and sashimi, this reunion will not occur.
All or Nothing
I am not a perfectionist but I am repelled by the idea of doing something half-assed. If you are going to do it, do it right and give it everything you have. Otherwise what’s the point?
Physical activity (PA) is an important component in any healthy lifestyle a and especially one focused on weight loss. And when people talk about starting an exercise regime they say to start small and to count the little things.
I hate listening to those people. I know walking for ten minutes is better than not walking. But guess what, increasing your speed and elevation and time does? It burns even more calories. It accomplishes more. It’s giving yourself fully to the commitment.
My HMR educator has been fighting me on this concept. Pushing me to realize that some days you need to go in slow short spurts of activity. You need to anticipate injury recovery or hard days. And my rational debate coach brain acknowledges his arguments, applies them to “other people,” and even reflects on my own injuries that seriously derailed my physical activity several times during my life. He is right.
But a large part of my psyche refuses to apply his logic to my own actions. Ten minutes of walking does not add up to very many calories and so I don’t write it down. Again.
I am not sure why I fight this so hard but maybe within that battle lies a happy medium. Count the smaller activities on those hard days but when I am able to do more do it. It doesn’t have to be all in or nothing. It can be somewhere in between.
Calorie Counting Anxiety
Every week in HMR class, we are given assignments. And I have wanted to write about this particular assignment for weeks but get anxious whenever I try to confront it. Today, coming from a class, I finally feel strong enough to share.
Funny. My writing stopped again for 24 hours. See, the assignment that got my nerves in a bundle and me from writing? We had to log calories in addition to what MR we were eating. I became aware of what I was trying to forget.
The first week on HMR, I kept calculating calories. But it was all in my head. Before the end of the week I had committed to memory how many calories each MR was. It took at least another week before I had stopped the mental calculations, to try to embrace the “more is better” and avoid depravation.
So when this assignment was initially given, I was hesitant but committed to it as fully as all of my other class assignments. I refused to give anything less than 100% to my homework.
However as the week went on, I began to notice how hungry I was. Instead of choosing a higher calorie entree, I would opt for a lower calorie one — even though I really wanted the original entree and it was only a fifty calorie difference. I was avoiding having the extra shake, because it was another 160 calories.
The point of the assignment was to figure out water math. And to show us how a few extra MR in order to stay satisfied and “in the box” would not have an adverse impact on our weight-loss. However, even though I knew what the purpose was and I understood the positive elements of the assignment, I found myself restricting my caloric intake to my bare RX of meal replacements. I was starving and cranky and anxious.
I am incredibly good at limiting calories. Initially. But upon reflection, the restricting always ended in a binge. A derailment. And then the end of that bout of dieting. My anxiety over numbers would end in my hands flailing and waving a white flag. I would give in… and then the numbers and the feelings of failure would haunt my dreams.
Doing this assignment brought back the anxiety and the old behaviors, with one exception. Attending class that week and talking to others in my class and to the nurse and health educator… I realized that while I can’t handle the numbers now, I can handle the HMR diet. Because those 50 calories don’t matter in the long run if it keeps me from the 500 I would pick up at a drive-through.
I don’t have to count calories any more. At least not for now. And that relieves a lot of my anxiety. I know there will come a day I will have to live outside of the HMR meal replacement box but by then I will have the tools I need to do so confidently and will be able to face my fears and conquer my restrictive habits. I am working towards a balanced approach to health and I am proud of all that I am learning and doing in the process.
More is Better
I feel like I have been working a second (sometimes third) job most of my life.
When asked what hobby I do on a regular basis, I am tempted to reply “I diet.”
Dieting has consumed my life for almost half of my life. I gain, I lose, I gain, I lose. The perpetual seesaw.
This new program? HMR? It’s another diet. I know I am supposed to say it is a lifestyle change but I am not there yet. Many diets I have attempted have been “lifestyle changes” but my life didn’t change.
I am working on it. Working hard to live fully in the program. To not try to calculate calories too much these first few weeks but eat my prescription and when needed to practice “more is better” which is a mantra of the program. Hungry? Eat another HMR meal.
The idea of “more is better” is counter to everything I have ever been taught about dieting. I have been constantly bombarded with what needs to be cut. The only more that was ever better was more minutes on the treadmill.
The rational part of my brain understands the justifications for the program’s “more is better” tenet. But it is a struggle some days to eat the extra and not feel guilty. I know I need to eat extra some days. I understand this is an ultra-marathon and not a lap around the track. That staying “in the box” (eating only HMR products) is how I stay on track. And by staying full, I am not tempted to binge.
All of this makes sense. But it’s a hard hurdle to jump over some days. Today is definitely one of those days.
Am I Powerless?
Everything I have read and heard about addiction says that the first step is admitting you are powerless to your substance. Whether it be food or an illicit substance, you are supposed to admit and accept that you have no control and these substances control you.
I disagree.
You see, I am a food addict by every definition I can find. I love the way food makes me feel. It is a comforting blanket on a stressful day. It is a celebration when something exciting has happened. It keeps me from being bored and it entertains me when I cook. When I feel lost or when I feel found, food is there with me.
I don’t think I had this addiction my whole life. I don’t remember food always being the comfort it is today. I have spent a long time reflecting and trying to figure out where my relationship with food changed. It’s a worthy exercise if you are as overweight as I have become.
It started in high school. Between the stress of overcommitting myself to a bajillion activities to the insecurity of transferring midyear, I found comfort in comfort foods. There was nothing more comforting that a bowl of potatoes, microwaved until baked, and smothered in butter and cheese. When I felt lonely, cheese was there.
When I entered college, the comfort I had found became something I needed. I did not always have the best choice in significant others and the first guy I dated in college was a doozy. Without reliving the pain, let’s say that I quickly turned to food and the need for comfort lasted over two years. Looking back, I know all of the mistakes I made, but at the time the pain of the day was minimized by a two cheeseburger extra value meal.
After this extended period of bingeing to comfort, my relationship with food was secure and my weight battle was full-force. This is reflected when I lost a significant amount of weight early in my career, only to pile it back on in what seemed like the minutes after a family member was critically injured in a car accident.
I acknowledge now that I have a sordid relationship with food. I have an addiction to the way food makes me feel. And that addiction has significant power.
But I am not powerless.
Admitting you are powerless is a cop-out. It means you can never interact with the substance again because you cannot control it. And that would mean that I could never eat again… something that is actually impossible to do and survive.
However, I can reduce the number of decisions I have to make about food. Stepping away from our complex relationship in order to exam it and correct it. We will always have a relationship. However maybe our relationship could improve.
I am not powerless. Recognizing and acknowledging I am addicted to food and doing something to change this addition is the opposite of powerless. It takes strength and motivation. It takes desire and action.
I am not powerless. I am empowered.
Renewal through Relaxation
Unimaginable.
Today I have accomplished so much in my home. It is really unimaginable.
And yet it didn’t take my whole day away from me? I still have time to rest and relax?
My normal routine when I have a free evening is to catch up on work that was placed on a back burner, and then zone in front of the computer or telly. Not ever really being super productive because I am only half -present, and almost always regretting that I didn’t spend more time getting more accomplished around the house.
I can’t do everything. This year I placed more emphasis on taking care of me. Making sure I get rest and don’t worry about the small things around the house.
Normally when I have a few days off, I go on a whirlwind tour, getting in as much social time and personal travel as possible. Until I wear myself out.
However, after taking a real Spring Break. Sleeping without an alarm, relaxing, getting to spend quality time with family, and having some enjoyable time out? I actual crave being productive around the house. It’s not a chore but actually fun to clean out my closet or to prep meals for the week ahead.
It turns out that resting over a break and breaking out of the norm can be the perfect refueling station.
With two months left in the academic year, there is another rush about to hit. Post-season tournaments are in full-swing, my seniors are graduating, and summer programming is about to ramp up. But I feel a renewed sense of being. And for that, I am thankful.
Just Show Up
Just show up.
I have read so many fitness “get slim in six easy moves” “lose 5 lbs in 3 days” “the secret food that will make you skinny” diet secret containing magazines that I should be invisible by now because I am oh so thin.
But wait. Apparently reading about getting thin, about shedding those unwanted pounds, is not the way to actually lose the weight.
Somewhere between the pages of those glossy fitness model pages, I lost my minutes.
I lost the time that I could find… to get thin.
And while inspired by the pages,
I lack the motivation to do the movement.
And time and time again I pledge that TOMORROW, I will go to the gym.
You see,
I am too tired.
I have too much work today.
The house is in shambles.
Someone might spoil that TV show that’s on tonight.
I just don’t want to go.
So many reasons to go home, curl up on the couch, and zone out…
Imagining the thin within.
Somewhere along the line, I lost my motivation. And my motivation is really good at playing
Hide
and
go
Seek
However… through all I have learned about myself. About how I function. And about how we work. I have one thing to say.
Just.Show.Up.
Pack that bag with the clothing you will need and go to the gym. Just go. Get dressed. Sit there. Drink a latte. You don’t have to exercise.
But if you are like me, you will find yourself on that elliptical, or in that aerobics class, or lifting weights… or on a bad day maybe you will just walk at the slowest speed possible on the treadmill.
You will find your movement. Your motivation.
I am a debate coach. I can convince myself to do just about anything. But something the only thing I can really do is show up.
Being present is motivation to move.
Movement is power.
Power gets you through the day.
And tomorrow?
Maybe you will do more than just show up.
Self-Sabotage
Self-Sabotage
I am very good at losing weight. I have lost probably over two hundred pounds in my lifetime. Perhaps even more.
So I should be incredibly skinny right? Practically see-through?
And yet I am near my highest weight ever. Having put on most of the 5% I was so motivated to lose over the last couple months.
Losing weight is a long process. It’s one that has to happen slowly as habits are formed and the body and mind work together to find the healthier self. To develop a new fitter being.
My mind and body don’t like each other. They are like the Hollywood couple that everyone thinks should be together, who make and sell movies together, but self-destruct when the cameras aren’t around. Sure they get along in the short term, but only so they can say their marriage lasted longer than Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries.
I self-sabotage. No matter if it’s Weight Watcher points, calories, food lists, prepped meals, meal-blogging etc… I can last for a short while and have amazing results. But then something inside of me clicks off. I make poor food choices, stop meal planning, go for the easy, tasty caloriebombs, I go out with friends and don’t choose the healthier option. I intentionally, whether I know it is intentional, pack those pounds right back on.
I can blame my job. Most of my friends console my weight gain by proclaiming “I don’t know how you do it… If I did your job I would weigh so much more than you do!” Thanks? But some of my best losses come from those months where I don’t come up for air. It’s like having a weekend off from work is also a weekend to eat and drink whatever is in front of me.
So I can’t blame my job.
In reality, I don’t know why I give up. It’s not an all or nothing world. And it isn’t like I tell myself that if I screw up for one meal, I have screwed up the week. I don’t say “fuck it” and eat crap and I even attempt to balance the crap with the good.
Maybe my metabolism is shot to hell. Maybe one bad meal is all it takes to pack on the weight again?
That’s obviously not true. Even if my metabolism was slower than a teenager getting ready for school in the morning, one meal is not going to reverse weeks of hard work. I may not be a doctor, but I know enough to know that isn’t how it works.
I don’t have an excuse. I am just bad at following through when it comes to me. I am a great advocate for my students, my friends, and my family. But when it comes to advocating for myself to myself on what I truly need and not just what feels good at the moment, I fail.
It’s easier to reward myself than to punish. It’s easier to take the route of tasty instead of the route of steamed veggies. It’s easier to socialize or chillax on the couch, rather than get up and stay in motion. It is easier to stay fat and kill myself one calorie-bomb at a time than to recognize that I deserve better and work to give myself what I deserve.
My birthday is just a couple of weeks away. Another year has passed where I pledged to take care of myself and another year has passed where I strived, succeeded, and then thrown that hard work away.
I don’t have a solution to stop the self-sabotage. But maybe finally I have awareness.
The truth of the matter is.
A reflection post.
Today I stood outside in the sun for over four hours. I stood and cheered as thousands of runners raced past. It was an emotional morning. I cheered for runners at the beginning of the journey, near the middle, and near the end. I got to see runners pumped, fledgling, and defeated. I saw them triumph, I saw their pain.
In 2009, I barely made it to the finish line of this race. I had fallen down a flight of stairs about six weeks prior to the race, not that I was in peak physical performance before then, and hurt myself. This was not my first injury, and it would not be my last. However, there was something inside of me that kept me going.
When I reached mile 8 of this race, I was near tears. By mile 9, I was looking for a medic. I sat, I iced my back, and then with ice wrapped to my back with plastic wrap, I walked. The last three miles were some of the slowest and most painful in my life. I cried. I felt alone. And I was so determined to finish what I had started.
Before I got to the finish line, I saw a woman behind me. She waved me down. She said she had been following me for the last couple of miles. That she had wanted to give up but she saw me and she knew if I could do it, so could she. We both attempted to run the last few feet to the finish. We wanted to finish strong.
December of 2009, I completed my second half. I felt strong. I was faster. I wasn’t able to run the full race but even walking, I was proud. I shaved 30 minutes off my time. I knew I was only going to get stronger.
One week later I injured my leg. I spent 2010 trying to recover from this non-running injury (if you are reading this, get your vitamin D levels checked, just trust me). I was planning on running a marathon in October where there was also to be a wedding. Then I planned on walking that marathon. And finally, on doctor’s orders, I was sidelined and cheered. I was happy to be there, but frustrated because I felt like there was more I could have done.
2011 brought on a year of discovery. Injuries from the past were beginning to heal but I had managed to put on so much weight from lack of activity and fear of injury, that becoming active again was difficult. I had lost motivation. I wasn’t eating right, I wasn’t trying to become healthier. I signed up for a half-marathon, with the hope that this would motivate me to get active. To try to recapture what I had felt two years earlier. But internal medical struggles, and my own nonchalance about my health kept me from training properly and fueling per my medical needs.
I started that race strong. But before I had even hit the 5k mark, my stomach was screaming. And as the race went on, I searched for a way to catch a ride back. By the 6th mile, I was crouched on the sidelines, trying not to give up.
After hobbling two more miles, and taking a number of breaks, my stomach finally felt better, but now old structural injuries were flaring because I had been compensating for the digestive pain. However, at this point I wasn’t going to quit. I hobbled through freezing rain and tears to the finish line. I finished and there wasn’t anyone left there to cheer for me. But I finished.
So today, I stayed. I stayed until the vehicle escorting the last three participants passed me. I cheered and I screamed. I knew the frustration in the eyes of those who had started strong and finished. I celebrated the triumph of their completion. I hope they will be able to celebrate it as well.
I am just two months away from that same race that was both my triumph and my defeat. I signed up again because I knew I needed to prove to myself that I can finish strong. But I haven’t done a single training run. I have been taking cardio classes to build my stamina, but my feet and back cry from all of the weight I have put on. I am constantly struggling between motivation and defeat.
It’s hard to get back on the horse. It’s incredibly hard to know what it was like to fly, and feel like you can barely crawl. This year, I may not participate in the race. If I am not ready, I will not go. But today motivated me to try. Because if the people crossing the finish line can do it, then dammit, so can I.
Production versus Consumption. Chicken? or Egg?
As per usual, this isn’t meant to be a topic analysis. Just some quick thoughts when I read the 2012 NCFL topic this morning.
Resolved: Increasing US energy production should take precedence over protecting the environment.
First, I think that the question has to be answered as to what type of energy production that needs to be increased. It would be hard to argue that the US isn’t in need of increased energy with an increase in population. Especially since the topic doesn’t say you get to increase conservation efforts if you vote Con.
Obviously the debate wants to be focused on drilling and fracking for oil and building up nuclear plants, both controversial but known sources of energy. Perhaps coal will also be debated. However, I think that a good Pro team would not limit themselves to these sources. In fact, I would keep all energy sources in mind when framing the case and instead shift the burden to the neg to show that in general, over-protection of the environment is stopping energy development. I don’t know if this is true outside of these primary energy production means.
In a lot of ways, I think this is going to be a very circular debate. Almost a “chicken or egg” line of argument. Those on the Pro will say we can’t have productivity and economic growth/stability without internal energy production while those on the Con will contend we need to focus on creating energy efficient products and lifestyles in order to have economic growth/stability. My head hurts just thinking about it.
Here are some interesting articles that may, or may not, be useful:
Chewing on Thoughts about Juicing
Fruit. Vegetables. Juice. Juicing. Liquid gold. Cleansing. Fasting.
I recently read an article in one of those checkstand magazines about dropping weight and cleansing your body through a two-day juice fast. It wasn’t your typical 300-calorie fast but included whole avocado in the mix. It sounded sane. And I did feel like my body needed a good cleanse.
Yesterday I embarked. Because how better to start the new year than an all-liquid diet?
I dutifully drank my smoothies, teas, waters, and juices. However something was missing. I wasn’t hungry physically but my body was yearning.
I told myself the yearning was detox. My body crying out for the bad. That I should feel awesome by not giving in. I was AWESOME.
But something was missing. And yes my body did want those processed foods it had gotten to experience over the holidays. But that wasn’t it. It was something else.
So I poured myself a bowl of kale miso stew. Barely any calories. Besides the miso and spices, it was just broth and vegetables. And since vegetable broths were allowed on the cleanse, and vegetables were juiced and blended, I figured it was the same thing.
With one exception.
As I chewed through the thick kale in the stew, the whimpers from deep within were calmed. I began to truly feel satisfied. Satiated. Happy.
It turns out, the process of chewing my food. That’s what I was missing.
This morning, instead of juicing and blending, I chewed. I may still juice some of my foods, but I realize that while I may get a lot of benefit out of a cleanse, I won’t feel satisfied. And as morbid as it seems, I want to be satisfied with my choices each day. Because while I may eat healthy to stretch my time here on Earth out as long as possible, the truth is that we don’t know how long we have. So daily satisfaction is crucial.
That’s something to chew on.
Why all the hate for 2011?
As another calendar year comes to an end and a new year anxiously waits for it’s turn with us, I can’t help but get frustrated at the number of people who have done nothing in the last few weeks but shit on 2011 like it was a roadside portapot.
I get that life is frustrating. Bad things happen. Not everything goes the way we plan.
But really the ENTIRE year sucked? I sincerely doubt every waking moment in 2011 was filled with terribleness.
I am not trying to be ultra peppy or a total cheerleader, but if you don’t take a moment to celebrate the good things that have happened in your past year, how can 2012 ever live up to your hopes and dreams?
So take a minute and write down 12 good things that happened in 2011. One for each month. I challenge you to go into 2012 celebrating your past and taking that positivity to ring in the new year!
Reflecting on Resolutions
A group of friends and I email each other. We all met on a weight loss message board. And today, one of the girls shared our list of resolutions for 2011. Had we met them yet? And within that link was a link to our resolutions for 2010.
The resolution I made for 2010 was made in a drunken state but involved running. I wanted to run a marathon. And complete 2010km over the year. Great resolutions until I injured myself the day after I made the resolution. I was out of commission and spent most of the year rehabbing my leg.
So for 2011, I decided on a more general resolution. I wrote:
“I am just focused on enjoying the year, making it the best I can, and staying healthy”
Did I meet this resolution? The year itself had some ups and downs. However, I ended it feeling better about myself and my life and in general knowing more about my health and how to better it.
For 2012, I have set similar goals for myself:
Inspiration
Six days ago I was riding in a car along the Alaskan coast and talking about blogging. I realized during this conversation that I let my own blogs fall to the wayside when the stress of life comes along. This was what prevented me initially with starting this blog almost a year ago. Because I didn’t know if I wanted something that would be a record of my failure to update. I can get my regular job done, but when blogging becomes a chore that needs to be completed instead of something you turn to for inspiration, it becomes hard to stay motivated to keep up. However, I don’t want to see this outlet die, and so with a renewed strength, I blog on.
The Healthy Academic 
