HMR Mocha: On the Go and In the Box!
If you haven’t read my blog before, you may be unaware that I am always on the go. Which means I don’t always have the luxury to make shakes in the comfort of my kitchen.
That said, I love fancy coffees and giving up those special treats was difficult. Luckily, with the help of my travel milk frother, I have been coming up with some on-the-go specialties!
This one is the easiest and is a favorite staple in my current rotation. Order a medium black coffee in a large coffee cup (in Sbux speak that’s a grande in an venti cup!). That gives you room to add an HMR chocolate shake packet and optional sweetener (none for me). Then froth that baby up! The travel milk frother breaks down the shake powder and blends inside the coffee cup while adding a light froth on top. Enjoy!
Losing *only* two pounds … A 19-week reflection on the HMR Diet
Last night was my 133rd day staying “in the box” on the HMR Decision Free diet.
On my first night of class, my health educator showed us a graph. It showed data that the longer a person stayed “in the box” (eating only HMR food), the higher the likelihood they would stick with the program and the average amount of weight lost. The data included everything from the probability of success if you “cheated” the first week all the way up to 19 weeks.
So I bought a small white board and decorated it with permanent marker after calculating how many days were in 19 weeks. I then used a white board marker to update the number of the board. And then I set that board where I would see it every time I entered the kitchen. I also kept some helpful tools within reach, as you can see in the photo.
The first few weeks, it was struggle each day to stay in the box. But knowing I would have to reset that number was motivation to keep going. And changing the board felt like a triumphant win!
Eventually, I stopped updating each day and would change it every couple of days. However on a difficult day, the visual was a good reminder of how far I have come and how I didn’t want to reset the board after so much work.
Today is my 134th day on the diet. I still plan on keeping the board alive, but I am in the process of setting new goals. Goals to keep me going.
Because I can’t rely on the scale for motivation.
When I get on the scale at the clinic, I try to imagine what the new number will be. In the beginning there were huge jumps most weeks. Some were two or three pounds but many were four to six. And I knew logically that it would slow down as I had less to lose and my body adjusted to a lower-calorie diet.
The last three weeks I have lost one pound, four pounds, and then two pounds. In the real world, losing seven pounds in three weeks is a big deal. And I know I would have been so happy on previous diets with that loss. Yet last night, with a two pound loss on the scale, I felt disappointment.
Practical me knows that this process is going to be an ultra-marathon. That it’s a lifestyle change. That it won’t happen over night. And that I have works for 19 weeks but I knew going in that it would be a much longer process. Finally, I know that I have gotten stronger and have had so many non-scale victories that I should dance with joy.
Today I begin the process of setting new long-term non-scale goals. From fitness goals I am currently working on, to food based goals I need to figure out. I am determined to succeed one day at a time.
Traveling on the HMR Diet
I have been on the HMR Decision Free Diet for almost 16 full weeks. During those 16 weeks, I have flown away for weekend work (and one personal trip) for 8 weekends and spent another 4 weekends at regional competitions. With 12 weekends away from the comfort and safety of my home environment, I have quickly learned some skills for traveling on the HMR DF Diet and I am looking forward to sharing some of them now!
First, let’s dispel some rumors. I have carried entrees and shakes through airport security every trip and have never been stopped. However, I would always recommend carrying some documentation of your medically supervised diet just in case you get a TSA agent with his britches in a bunch claiming HMR chili is a liquid.
Second, the majority of hotels I have encountered have been amenable to placing a mini-fridge and in most cases a microwave in my hotel room free of charge provided I show the medical necessity (same documentation). Many never needed to see it, I just needed to ask and explain.
Third, if you haven’t already figured it out, many of the entrees can be eaten cold. I will be honest… I am NOT a fan of most of them at room temperature. My stand-by is Five Bean Casserole (add a packet of salt and a packet of pepper and maybe a squeeze of mustard from an airport food court and you’re golden). I will also do the chicken parm and the ravioli and the lasagna. It’s up to personal preference.
Two great on-the-go shaker bottles… liquid included!
When I am checking a bag for a longer trip, I like to travel light with the carry-on. This means packing as compactly as possible. First, I fold up two of the 800 packets and one 70 packet into my standard Blender Bottle along with a plastic spoon. This prevents the wire ball from bouncing around, saves space, and gives me an easy pudding and two shakes!
I also pack at least one Mio or Crystal Light squeeze bottle for easy to-go flavoring in my liquids bag. Great for making shakes different flavors and perfect to add to a club soda on a plane for a “fancy” drink!
However, I hate cleaning when traveling and thus when I get through airport security, I am often on the hunt for one of the stand-by beverages pictured above. It makes a perfect disposable shake container. Just swirl your shake powder before shaking or the powder may all end up in the lid!
This was my HMR meal at the San Diego Zoo. Just drink half the bottle, add shake mix, swirl and shake to your desired consistency! Mmmmm Chocolate Lemon Goodness!
I am also a big fan of mixing up the flavors of my entrees and having other savory options available to me is a big way I have managed to stay “In the Box” while “On the Road.” I always have a couple of bouillon cubes in a snack bag (to keep the smell contained) as well as a couple of tea bags for on-the-go hot beverage choices. I also carry a travel milk frother (mine has a cute carrying case!) which I use to whisk hot liquids for soup and hot chocolate shakes.
Additionally, I carry a menagerie of seasonings in a travel pill case (pictured below) which I place in a sandwich bag (because I am paranoid about spills but haven’t had one yet!). You can put all of your favorites in here! These are just some of my standards.
Turn your pill case into a travel condiment container!
Another way to make travel easier and make you feel included when others are eating carby goodness, is to make some HMR muffins (I make these without the frosting) ahead of time. I don’t do this often because I want to avoid over-relying on low-volume foods. However I have found packing these can save me in a pinch when everyone else is noshing on trigger foods plus these don’t require preparation. This is one I save for super high stress weekends (I also make these using a mini-donut pan that fits in my toaster oven which makes them smaller – I get more and they are easier to pack!).
Make muffins ahead of time for packable meals.
Traveling can be difficult on the HMR diet, or any diet, because of the temptations that lie in the Gap and all of the fabulous looking foods that abound. It is much harder to control your environment and at some point in the future I will talk more about how I prepare mentally for travel. However in the meantime, I hope these travel tips are helpful for those who have travel in their future!
100 Days on the HMR Diet
I keep wanting to write posts but as per usual, I can barely keep my head above water during the competition season. And I have been taking all my spare time and spending it earning PA (HMR Speak for exercise or Physical Activity calories).
However Friday, February 21, marked a special day. I have been on the HMR Decision-Free diet and “In The Box” for 100 days straight. I feel like being able to stick with anything for 100 days is gosh darn near impossible and worth a mini-celebration and reflection.
First, the question you want answered if you are anything like I was before this diet… How much weight have I lost?
When I weighed in on the first night, I was 280 pounds. My height is approximately 5’4″ which would be a BMI of 48.1, which according to the calculator on the Stanford Hospital site made me “morbidly obese.”
Fourteen weeks later (or 98 days), my weight at the clinic was 220 pounds. While my BMI is still an unhealthy 37.8, it dropped me down to the “obese” category and is a loss of 60 pounds (an average of just over 4 pounds a week).
So I lost weight. Which is ultimately expected when you don’t veer off a medically-supervised diet. But what else?
I feel so much better about myself. I feel like I can do anything I set out to do, including lose the rest of this weight. I have more energy and actually crave physical activity (really? did I just write that?).
After 100 days, the selection of 14 or so entrees, oatmeal, soup, and shakes may seem old. Yes, if I have to eat another cold five-bean casserole at a competition soon I may throw it at someone. However for the most part, I have been enjoying trying new seasonings and preparation methods as well as rediscovering some of my favorites from the first couple of weeks.
Also, and this is so foreign to me, life isn’t always about food. Lately I have been primarily focused on food as fuel to get me through the new activities I am discovering. I don’t revolve my life around what my next meal will be, I just eat when it’s the appropriate time before or after a workout or when I am hungry. And I am learning a ton about what size meal I actually need to stay full as opposed to what I used to pile and clean off my massive plates.
I still have a long journey ahead and I know there will be bumps along the way. However after 100 days, I feel like I am over the mental hurdle of “can I do this?” and have moved on to “what else can I achieve?” And that may be the best takeaway from these past 100 days.
HMR Diet “Chips & Dip” Recipe
I have been missing snacks foods, especially chips & dip. While this isn’t an exact replica, it totally gets the job done!
Ingredients
HMR Enchilada Entree
Flakey Salt
Hot Sauce
Lay a silpat mat on a toaster over cookie sheet. I find this is much easier to clean than other methods.
Clean the enchilada “tortillas” from the sauce and filling, reserve those for the dip. Be careful when unraveling the enchiladas as the tortillas tend to break along where they’ve been folded.
Lay tortillas on silpat and sprinkle lightly with sea salt (optional).
Bake at 325 in toaster oven for approximately 30 minutes, turning over halfway through. The chips will not get fully crispy before they start to brown. They will harden a bit more after removing from oven so don’t let them burn waiting for them to get crispy in the oven.
When removed, use pizza cutter to cut “chips” into smaller pieces. They may harden more while resting.
Meanwhile, mix enchilada sauce and filling with hot sauce (heat varies by user). Heat for 30-45 seconds in microwave.
Some of my chips have not been strong enough to scoop but then I just spoon dip onto them to enjoy.
It’s definitely a different way to enjoy this entree and a great meal to have when hanging around with friends watching a sports game or a movie. Enjoy!
My HMR entree “fix”
I have been in a delicious rut and it’s not going anywhere any time soon.
Savory chicken entrees are some of the most versatile of the HMR line and let me share my recent staple fix.
Pan “fry” the rice in a nonstick pan. I spritz the rice “cake” with two spritzes of Bragg Liquid Aminos to flavor it but sometimes do it plain. Often I can “cut” the cake like pictures into three but often it just ends up a delicious mess of rice.
Chop up the chicken tenders and pan “fry” until brown and then drizzle Frank’s Red Hot Wings Sauce (the one that’s zero calories – thank me later).
Finally, pan “fry” the veggies with a dash of low sodium soy sauce and a very light sprinkle of Chinese five spice.
Seriously the best fix ever!
60 Days on HMR
Wikimedia Commons Source: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Golden_Maki_Rainbow_Roll_sushi.jpg
It has been 60 days since I last ate sushi. Sushi was my go-to food. It was my friend. My comfort. And let’s face it… it was really really good!
I won’t lie. I miss it like crazy. So much that I bought nori to try to make my own out of HMR entrees. Well, until I found out nori wasn’t in the box. So now the nori sits and waits.
Every time I crave sushi, I think about why. Do I miss the texture? The flavors? The feelings that I associate with sushi? I swear if I were ever to fall out of “the box” it would probably be into a sushi boat.
The truth is I miss everything. But I know it will be there for me when I meet my goal. And while I feel deprived now, I know I am learning so much more about myself. I know that I eat for comfort as well as nourishment. I eat for flavor and texture and not just because I am hungry.
And while 60 days may seem like a long time, it will be a lot longer before sushi and I can sit down and enjoy each other’s company. Until I not only get to a healthier weight but also have learned to control the yearning for nigiri and maki and sashimi, this reunion will not occur.
All or Nothing
I am not a perfectionist but I am repelled by the idea of doing something half-assed. If you are going to do it, do it right and give it everything you have. Otherwise what’s the point?
Physical activity (PA) is an important component in any healthy lifestyle a and especially one focused on weight loss. And when people talk about starting an exercise regime they say to start small and to count the little things.
I hate listening to those people. I know walking for ten minutes is better than not walking. But guess what, increasing your speed and elevation and time does? It burns even more calories. It accomplishes more. It’s giving yourself fully to the commitment.
My HMR educator has been fighting me on this concept. Pushing me to realize that some days you need to go in slow short spurts of activity. You need to anticipate injury recovery or hard days. And my rational debate coach brain acknowledges his arguments, applies them to “other people,” and even reflects on my own injuries that seriously derailed my physical activity several times during my life. He is right.
But a large part of my psyche refuses to apply his logic to my own actions. Ten minutes of walking does not add up to very many calories and so I don’t write it down. Again.
I am not sure why I fight this so hard but maybe within that battle lies a happy medium. Count the smaller activities on those hard days but when I am able to do more do it. It doesn’t have to be all in or nothing. It can be somewhere in between.
HMR Diet Recipe: Lasagna Bites with Chili Garlic Meat Sauce
This one is super easy and perfect when you want to change up the lasagna entree!
Ingredients:
- 1 HMR Lasagna
- 1 to 3 tsp chili garlic sauce
Scrape the meat sauce off of the top of the lasagna and reserve. Cut the lasagna into 8 pieces.
Heat large nonstick sauté pan over high heatt. You may need cooking spray to prevent sticking. Add the eight pieces of lasagna to the pan, making sure you have lots of space around each piece. You will want to allow both sides to brown, turning each piece several times. It will add texture and depth to the pieces (and make the entree look bigger!).
While lasagna is browning, mix meat sauce with chili garlic sauce. Cover and microwave for 15-30 seconds until warm.
Enjoy each lasagna bite with a dollop of sauce on top!
HMR Thai-Inspired Spicy Peanut Chicken
My HMR Core class is full of awesome people who love to play in the kitchen. I look forward to our classes, but I also love the clinic time before when we have time to casually share how life is going, and even more exciting? What new creations people have made in the kitchen!
The following is inspired by my class and a couple of similar combinations that people have shared with me. I like to mix and match, so I didn’t combine the three components in the end, but you could just as easily toss it all in a bowl. This was perfect post-gym today and was my best take on this combination of flavors so I had to share!
Thai-Inspired Peanut Chicken
- HMR Savory Chicken Entree
- 1 tbsp PB2 original
- 1 tbsp low-sodium soy sauce
- 1 tsp chili garlic sauce (use less if you want less heat!)
- 1/2 tsp (or more!) powdered ginger
- 1/2 tsp (or more!) powdered garlic
Heat a large frying pan on high heat. Spray lightly with canola cooking spray.
While pan is heating, it’s time to dissect the entree! Start by taking the chicken pieces out and chopping them into small pieces. Set aside. Then put the rice into the hot pan. Finally, take the gravy with the carrots and mushrooms and put in a small bowl.
The rice will take awhile to cook and due to the moisture levels in the rice, you will end up flipping it over like patties in order to get them brown and crispy. Don’t push down! You don’t want actual patties!
While the rice is cooking, add the remaining ingredients to the reserved gravy. Mash the carrot while mixing all of the sauce ingredients together to increase the creamy texture. I think it might be even better if you mix all of the other sauce ingredients in advance and store in the refrigerator. The flavors will meld and really develop.
When the rice is nearing finish (your desired crispiness – can take several minutes on each side and may require multiple flips), move rice to the outside of the pan to keep cooking. Add the chicken to the center (where the pan is the hottest) and allow chicken to brown, stirring occasionally. With the hot pan and the chicken already being cooked, this should only take a couple of minutes.
Finally, when the chicken has started to brown and the rice is ready, it’s time to plate and enjoy!
Calorie Counting Anxiety
Every week in HMR class, we are given assignments. And I have wanted to write about this particular assignment for weeks but get anxious whenever I try to confront it. Today, coming from a class, I finally feel strong enough to share.
Funny. My writing stopped again for 24 hours. See, the assignment that got my nerves in a bundle and me from writing? We had to log calories in addition to what MR we were eating. I became aware of what I was trying to forget.
The first week on HMR, I kept calculating calories. But it was all in my head. Before the end of the week I had committed to memory how many calories each MR was. It took at least another week before I had stopped the mental calculations, to try to embrace the “more is better” and avoid depravation.
So when this assignment was initially given, I was hesitant but committed to it as fully as all of my other class assignments. I refused to give anything less than 100% to my homework.
However as the week went on, I began to notice how hungry I was. Instead of choosing a higher calorie entree, I would opt for a lower calorie one — even though I really wanted the original entree and it was only a fifty calorie difference. I was avoiding having the extra shake, because it was another 160 calories.
The point of the assignment was to figure out water math. And to show us how a few extra MR in order to stay satisfied and “in the box” would not have an adverse impact on our weight-loss. However, even though I knew what the purpose was and I understood the positive elements of the assignment, I found myself restricting my caloric intake to my bare RX of meal replacements. I was starving and cranky and anxious.
I am incredibly good at limiting calories. Initially. But upon reflection, the restricting always ended in a binge. A derailment. And then the end of that bout of dieting. My anxiety over numbers would end in my hands flailing and waving a white flag. I would give in… and then the numbers and the feelings of failure would haunt my dreams.
Doing this assignment brought back the anxiety and the old behaviors, with one exception. Attending class that week and talking to others in my class and to the nurse and health educator… I realized that while I can’t handle the numbers now, I can handle the HMR diet. Because those 50 calories don’t matter in the long run if it keeps me from the 500 I would pick up at a drive-through.
I don’t have to count calories any more. At least not for now. And that relieves a lot of my anxiety. I know there will come a day I will have to live outside of the HMR meal replacement box but by then I will have the tools I need to do so confidently and will be able to face my fears and conquer my restrictive habits. I am working towards a balanced approach to health and I am proud of all that I am learning and doing in the process.
HMR Turkey Chili “Burger” Patties
I have had mad cravings for a burger. Luckily, playing off the idea of the risotto cakes and the chili being the special of the month at the clinic and I had an idea. Now I recommend playing around with spices, as I have had a different version each time I make it and all have been great! I leave the fruit in for a sweet and savory taste in the patty.
HMR Chili Burger
- 1 pkg HMR Turkey Chili
- 1 pkg HMR Oatmeal
- 2 oz water
- Spices: Cayenne, Smoked Salt, Chili Powder, Liquid Smoke, Garlic Powder (note if you use liquid smoke you don’t need more than 1/8 tsp for the whole recipe! it’s very strong but totally awesome!)
Preheat frying pan and spray with cooking spray.
Mix oatmeal, chili, water, and spices together and microwave for 90 seconds.
Pour “batter” onto frying pan in small batches. You want to keep the patties small so they cook evenly. It will take a couple of minutes on each side to brown. I like to press down on them once they have been flipped once to help release more moisture.
Once they are cooked, let sit for one minute before enjoying. They are fabulous! And I am sure once I am on Healthy Solutions, I am certain they would be great wrapped in lettuce.
HMR Sriracha BBQ Chicken Stir-Fry
I have made this twice and am seriously in love with the spicy sweet dipping sauce.
Ingredients
1 HMR BBQ Chicken with Red Beans & Rice
Garlic Power
Red Salt (optional – I just link the clay flavor but regular salt would also work)
Sriracha
First heat a large nonstick frying pan. I do a quick spritz of cooking spray as well.
Clean your chicken breast off, reserving the sauce (don’t mix that goodness! You want to keep the rice and beans as dry as possible). Chop chicken into small bite-sized pieces.
Add rice and beans to pan. At this point I add a couple of tablespoons of water because the rice is hard. I also add salt and garlic powder – amount will depend on your taste and I love garlic!
You will want to use a wooden spoon to avoid scratching the pan. I start pushing the rice and beans around, breaking them up. After about a minute, add the chicken. Continue stirring until everything is heated up and you start to see some browning.
Okay confession… One of my favorite parts of this process is using the wooden spoon to scrap off all the brown parts that stick to the pan. I scrap them into the bowl (or eat them off the spoon – no shame!) for extra crunchy texture.
Pour your fried rice mix into a bowl.
Depending on your heat preference, the sauce measurements will vary. Add a little sriracha at a time to the BBQ sauce until you find your perfect sweet and spicy blend. Spoon sauce next to stir-fry or pour over.
I love Asian food and while this isn’t quite the same, it is a delicious kick to one of my favorite HMR entrees!
HMR Toasted Raviolis
I made these for a Thanksgiving appetizer and will be repeating again for Christmas. The only real problem is that repurposing them out of the sauce made me realize how there are only FOUR raviolis! I had definitely had some portion-distortion going on pre-HMR.
This isn’t my recipe but I wanted to share my review. I definitely pressed down with the spatula to get as much of the outside browned as possible. I also doctored the sauce with various herbs like garlic.
More is Better
I feel like I have been working a second (sometimes third) job most of my life.
When asked what hobby I do on a regular basis, I am tempted to reply “I diet.”
Dieting has consumed my life for almost half of my life. I gain, I lose, I gain, I lose. The perpetual seesaw.
This new program? HMR? It’s another diet. I know I am supposed to say it is a lifestyle change but I am not there yet. Many diets I have attempted have been “lifestyle changes” but my life didn’t change.
I am working on it. Working hard to live fully in the program. To not try to calculate calories too much these first few weeks but eat my prescription and when needed to practice “more is better” which is a mantra of the program. Hungry? Eat another HMR meal.
The idea of “more is better” is counter to everything I have ever been taught about dieting. I have been constantly bombarded with what needs to be cut. The only more that was ever better was more minutes on the treadmill.
The rational part of my brain understands the justifications for the program’s “more is better” tenet. But it is a struggle some days to eat the extra and not feel guilty. I know I need to eat extra some days. I understand this is an ultra-marathon and not a lap around the track. That staying “in the box” (eating only HMR products) is how I stay on track. And by staying full, I am not tempted to binge.
All of this makes sense. But it’s a hard hurdle to jump over some days. Today is definitely one of those days.
HMR Decision Free Pumpkin Pie Shake
I love to cook. I love to consume a variety of flavors and textures. And one of my biggest fears of starting the HMR Diet was that I would not be able to cook.
This is my third week of the diet and I am happy to say that I have been playing in the kitchen!
The first week of the diet I started looking up recipes online. Many of the HMR recipes appeared to be for Healthy Solutions or involved major manipulations that made me uncomfortable as I didn’t want to veer too far off from the basics until I knew the program and myself.
However after ordering a number of sugar free syrups, zero calories extracts, and spices galore — I have been amassing a number of recipes I want to record to use down the road.
I have a Vitamix blender. I got it before I started HMR but it has been a total lifesaver. It is the easiest to clean ever and makes my smoothies amazingly fluffy and smooth. I say this as a preface because results may vary if you try this with a different blender at home.
Pumpkin Pie Decision Free Smoothie
1 packet HMR Vanilla 800
3/4 to 1 cup of water
6 pumps Torani Sugar Free Pumpkin Pie syrup
7 to 9 ice cubes
Pumpkin Pie spice
1. Blend water, syrup, and powder on low for 20-30 seconds.
2. Add ice cubes and 2-3 dashes of spice to the blender.
3. Blend on high for 20-40 seconds (the longer I blend, the fluffier it gets!)
Enjoy!
Decision Free
My brain is absolutely overwhelmed right now. I am “Decision Free” but full of decisions.
Confused?
Me too.
After a number of diet attempts. All of the restarts. The downs and ups on the scale (mostly ups). I started to do some research. I reflected. A lot. I knew a change was needed and I knew it needed to happen now.
Doctor visits. Medical tests. All confirmed what I already knew. If I didn’t start losing weight, I was heading down a very dark path.
I like food a lot. I took a hiatus from creating and blogging food recipes on Uncovering Food because I had moved to a more urban neighborhood where every kind of food I desired was right outside of my front door. And explore my neighborhood I did… bite by bite.
I realized I had lost my focus on health, and continued to fight myself. And when we moved to a new apartment and a number of other drastic changes happened around me, I woke up.
After attempting to be the Healthy Academic for so long on my own, I admitted I needed help. Being healthy isn’t just about eating vegetables or running a 5k. Being healthy means caring for your body and ensuring that excess weight doesn’t shut parts of it down. However I realized that with so much going on in my life, my present and my history, I was going to have difficulty staying with another diet-by-my-own-design.
After screenings, meetings, and my first night of class, I am officially an active participant in the HMR Decision Free program through my doctor’s medical network. I plan on writing more about it as we progress but for now I am still overwhelmed with all of my materials and all of the parts of this medically-supervised program…
It took me two weeks to publish this initial post about HMR because I felt like I have given up so much of my identity. I feel like I have to defend my choices to myself, let alone to others. However two weeks into this program, on Thanksgiving Day, I am thankful to myself that I didn’t let pride get in my own way. That I am doing this for my wellness.
Am I Powerless?
Everything I have read and heard about addiction says that the first step is admitting you are powerless to your substance. Whether it be food or an illicit substance, you are supposed to admit and accept that you have no control and these substances control you.
I disagree.
You see, I am a food addict by every definition I can find. I love the way food makes me feel. It is a comforting blanket on a stressful day. It is a celebration when something exciting has happened. It keeps me from being bored and it entertains me when I cook. When I feel lost or when I feel found, food is there with me.
I don’t think I had this addiction my whole life. I don’t remember food always being the comfort it is today. I have spent a long time reflecting and trying to figure out where my relationship with food changed. It’s a worthy exercise if you are as overweight as I have become.
It started in high school. Between the stress of overcommitting myself to a bajillion activities to the insecurity of transferring midyear, I found comfort in comfort foods. There was nothing more comforting that a bowl of potatoes, microwaved until baked, and smothered in butter and cheese. When I felt lonely, cheese was there.
When I entered college, the comfort I had found became something I needed. I did not always have the best choice in significant others and the first guy I dated in college was a doozy. Without reliving the pain, let’s say that I quickly turned to food and the need for comfort lasted over two years. Looking back, I know all of the mistakes I made, but at the time the pain of the day was minimized by a two cheeseburger extra value meal.
After this extended period of bingeing to comfort, my relationship with food was secure and my weight battle was full-force. This is reflected when I lost a significant amount of weight early in my career, only to pile it back on in what seemed like the minutes after a family member was critically injured in a car accident.
I acknowledge now that I have a sordid relationship with food. I have an addiction to the way food makes me feel. And that addiction has significant power.
But I am not powerless.
Admitting you are powerless is a cop-out. It means you can never interact with the substance again because you cannot control it. And that would mean that I could never eat again… something that is actually impossible to do and survive.
However, I can reduce the number of decisions I have to make about food. Stepping away from our complex relationship in order to exam it and correct it. We will always have a relationship. However maybe our relationship could improve.
I am not powerless. Recognizing and acknowledging I am addicted to food and doing something to change this addition is the opposite of powerless. It takes strength and motivation. It takes desire and action.
I am not powerless. I am empowered.
Renewal through Relaxation
Unimaginable.
Today I have accomplished so much in my home. It is really unimaginable.
And yet it didn’t take my whole day away from me? I still have time to rest and relax?
My normal routine when I have a free evening is to catch up on work that was placed on a back burner, and then zone in front of the computer or telly. Not ever really being super productive because I am only half -present, and almost always regretting that I didn’t spend more time getting more accomplished around the house.
I can’t do everything. This year I placed more emphasis on taking care of me. Making sure I get rest and don’t worry about the small things around the house.
Normally when I have a few days off, I go on a whirlwind tour, getting in as much social time and personal travel as possible. Until I wear myself out.
However, after taking a real Spring Break. Sleeping without an alarm, relaxing, getting to spend quality time with family, and having some enjoyable time out? I actual crave being productive around the house. It’s not a chore but actually fun to clean out my closet or to prep meals for the week ahead.
It turns out that resting over a break and breaking out of the norm can be the perfect refueling station.
With two months left in the academic year, there is another rush about to hit. Post-season tournaments are in full-swing, my seniors are graduating, and summer programming is about to ramp up. But I feel a renewed sense of being. And for that, I am thankful.
Self-Sabotage
Self-Sabotage
I am very good at losing weight. I have lost probably over two hundred pounds in my lifetime. Perhaps even more.
So I should be incredibly skinny right? Practically see-through?
And yet I am near my highest weight ever. Having put on most of the 5% I was so motivated to lose over the last couple months.
Losing weight is a long process. It’s one that has to happen slowly as habits are formed and the body and mind work together to find the healthier self. To develop a new fitter being.
My mind and body don’t like each other. They are like the Hollywood couple that everyone thinks should be together, who make and sell movies together, but self-destruct when the cameras aren’t around. Sure they get along in the short term, but only so they can say their marriage lasted longer than Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries.
I self-sabotage. No matter if it’s Weight Watcher points, calories, food lists, prepped meals, meal-blogging etc… I can last for a short while and have amazing results. But then something inside of me clicks off. I make poor food choices, stop meal planning, go for the easy, tasty caloriebombs, I go out with friends and don’t choose the healthier option. I intentionally, whether I know it is intentional, pack those pounds right back on.
I can blame my job. Most of my friends console my weight gain by proclaiming “I don’t know how you do it… If I did your job I would weigh so much more than you do!” Thanks? But some of my best losses come from those months where I don’t come up for air. It’s like having a weekend off from work is also a weekend to eat and drink whatever is in front of me.
So I can’t blame my job.
In reality, I don’t know why I give up. It’s not an all or nothing world. And it isn’t like I tell myself that if I screw up for one meal, I have screwed up the week. I don’t say “fuck it” and eat crap and I even attempt to balance the crap with the good.
Maybe my metabolism is shot to hell. Maybe one bad meal is all it takes to pack on the weight again?
That’s obviously not true. Even if my metabolism was slower than a teenager getting ready for school in the morning, one meal is not going to reverse weeks of hard work. I may not be a doctor, but I know enough to know that isn’t how it works.
I don’t have an excuse. I am just bad at following through when it comes to me. I am a great advocate for my students, my friends, and my family. But when it comes to advocating for myself to myself on what I truly need and not just what feels good at the moment, I fail.
It’s easier to reward myself than to punish. It’s easier to take the route of tasty instead of the route of steamed veggies. It’s easier to socialize or chillax on the couch, rather than get up and stay in motion. It is easier to stay fat and kill myself one calorie-bomb at a time than to recognize that I deserve better and work to give myself what I deserve.
My birthday is just a couple of weeks away. Another year has passed where I pledged to take care of myself and another year has passed where I strived, succeeded, and then thrown that hard work away.
I don’t have a solution to stop the self-sabotage. But maybe finally I have awareness.
The truth of the matter is.
A reflection post.
Today I stood outside in the sun for over four hours. I stood and cheered as thousands of runners raced past. It was an emotional morning. I cheered for runners at the beginning of the journey, near the middle, and near the end. I got to see runners pumped, fledgling, and defeated. I saw them triumph, I saw their pain.
In 2009, I barely made it to the finish line of this race. I had fallen down a flight of stairs about six weeks prior to the race, not that I was in peak physical performance before then, and hurt myself. This was not my first injury, and it would not be my last. However, there was something inside of me that kept me going.
When I reached mile 8 of this race, I was near tears. By mile 9, I was looking for a medic. I sat, I iced my back, and then with ice wrapped to my back with plastic wrap, I walked. The last three miles were some of the slowest and most painful in my life. I cried. I felt alone. And I was so determined to finish what I had started.
Before I got to the finish line, I saw a woman behind me. She waved me down. She said she had been following me for the last couple of miles. That she had wanted to give up but she saw me and she knew if I could do it, so could she. We both attempted to run the last few feet to the finish. We wanted to finish strong.
December of 2009, I completed my second half. I felt strong. I was faster. I wasn’t able to run the full race but even walking, I was proud. I shaved 30 minutes off my time. I knew I was only going to get stronger.
One week later I injured my leg. I spent 2010 trying to recover from this non-running injury (if you are reading this, get your vitamin D levels checked, just trust me). I was planning on running a marathon in October where there was also to be a wedding. Then I planned on walking that marathon. And finally, on doctor’s orders, I was sidelined and cheered. I was happy to be there, but frustrated because I felt like there was more I could have done.
2011 brought on a year of discovery. Injuries from the past were beginning to heal but I had managed to put on so much weight from lack of activity and fear of injury, that becoming active again was difficult. I had lost motivation. I wasn’t eating right, I wasn’t trying to become healthier. I signed up for a half-marathon, with the hope that this would motivate me to get active. To try to recapture what I had felt two years earlier. But internal medical struggles, and my own nonchalance about my health kept me from training properly and fueling per my medical needs.
I started that race strong. But before I had even hit the 5k mark, my stomach was screaming. And as the race went on, I searched for a way to catch a ride back. By the 6th mile, I was crouched on the sidelines, trying not to give up.
After hobbling two more miles, and taking a number of breaks, my stomach finally felt better, but now old structural injuries were flaring because I had been compensating for the digestive pain. However, at this point I wasn’t going to quit. I hobbled through freezing rain and tears to the finish line. I finished and there wasn’t anyone left there to cheer for me. But I finished.
So today, I stayed. I stayed until the vehicle escorting the last three participants passed me. I cheered and I screamed. I knew the frustration in the eyes of those who had started strong and finished. I celebrated the triumph of their completion. I hope they will be able to celebrate it as well.
I am just two months away from that same race that was both my triumph and my defeat. I signed up again because I knew I needed to prove to myself that I can finish strong. But I haven’t done a single training run. I have been taking cardio classes to build my stamina, but my feet and back cry from all of the weight I have put on. I am constantly struggling between motivation and defeat.
It’s hard to get back on the horse. It’s incredibly hard to know what it was like to fly, and feel like you can barely crawl. This year, I may not participate in the race. If I am not ready, I will not go. But today motivated me to try. Because if the people crossing the finish line can do it, then dammit, so can I.
One week in, three weeks to go. A reflection.
It has been one week since I committed to the Project GET HEALTHY challenge. And while I have attempted to follow all three of my daily tasks, I am figuring out that I still need to find a happy balance between socializing and getting healthy.
I also realize that taking up a challenge when my life has little structure makes it difficult to maintain from day to day. Without a scheduled wake-up or bedtime, I am free floating (and enjoying it). However, with the start of the school year, this is guaranteed to change.
So I have attempted to stay active and eat more vegetables. I tracked everything until social events overtook my weekend. And then the foods I ate were no longer ones my body agreed with and my activity stalled as I have been laid up with awful stomach pains.
Life is a learning process and I will just keep taking notes through the journey.
Project GET HEALTHY
It’s been a long year. A crazy year. A FABULOUS year.
A lot of amazing things have happened.
However in the process of this amazingness, something has slipped out of sight. And out of sight is out of mind as the old adage goes.
My health hasn’t been the focus for months. I haven’t cooked for myself in ages nor have I logged what I have eaten or made a concerted effort to be active.
However, as life changes and time opens up, it as though someone was reading my mind when a challenge appeared over my Facebook feed. Thanks to Eating Rules for sharing the link to Social Butterfly Guy‘s 28-day Project GET HEALTHY.
Starting tomorrow for the next 28 days, I have three goals:
1. Track my meals daily
2. Get 20 minutes of activity in 6 days a week.
3. Eat more vegetables
I’ll be tracking using MyFitnessPal but will also stop by here, my ignored blog, to share thoughts as I can. With the start of school fast approaching, it will definitely be a challenge. But based on everything that has happened in 2012 thus far, I am ready for it!
The Healthy Academic 
